Alter-Ego

I keep forgetting to write about the experience of med school. Or maybe not so much forgetting as putting it off. Or feeling like I couldn't possibly have the time to do it, which I guess says something in itself.

I am totally exhausted, 100% of the time. There is never a second of the day when I don't feel like I have something I should be doing. I never don't feel like I need to be using every minute as productively as possible, like every single thing I do has to be necessary and beneficial. Sleep, eat, exercise, study, repeat. 

And there is never a time when I don't feel like I am not doing any of this as successfully as I should.

I have these fantasies sometimes, sometimes when I am staring at PowerPoint slides and trying to study, and sometimes when I am just doing the mundane everyday things that normal people do, like cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning my apartment, when I think, hey, I like doing this! I could be a really excellent housewife! Why am I not just doing that?? I love to cook; I think I am okay at it. I love to clean (alright, maybe I only love it in the way that deeply satisfies my OCD side, but I am good at that, too.) 


(Side note: my favorite movie is Stranger Than Fiction, and I think it's partially because I sorta want to be Maggie Gyllenhaal's character... smart, sassy, spunky, impassioned baker and small business owner... not to mention totally cute with a kick-ass tattoo.  I could be cute and collect delicious cookie recipes and own a really awesome bakery/coffee shop!!)

I love taking pictures; I would kill to be able to buy a nice DSLR and take lessons and learn Photoshop and get really good at it. I love writing and blogging. I love babies; I want to have lots of them. I love having friends over for dinner parties. I love exercise and yoga. I miss having a dog; I want to adopt one from a shelter.

I want to be able to take off for the weekend to hike and camp. I want to learn guitar and piano and French and I want to take dance classes and I want to read novels.

I have major doubts about this life. I don't know many people who don't. At least, I don't have many friends who don't; I don't know many women around my age who don't. It is comforting, in a strange way, to know that at least I am not the only one feeling this way and wondering if I am giving up too much. 

Right now, at this moment, though, I am pretty content. I am studying away yet another weekend, yes, but a couple of hours ago, I took a quick study break to take a dip in the pool and get a few minutes of sunshine, and now I am back taking notes at the dining room table and enjoying one of Atlanta's daily afternoon thunderstorms as it rages outside. My hair is still damp and I am cozied up in yoga pants and a hoodie. A good book or a nice nap would be infinitely better, but this is hardly unpleasant. And it is definitely good to keep reminding myself that this is actually a pretty good life in general, what I've got going on here.